I honestly don’t know what will happen next

These days, I wake up and go to bed knowing that it’s never going to be the same again. It still stings, you know, even if I was the one who ended it, I don’t think it’s gonna go away anytime soon. The past years seemed to look perfect but behind that are hundreds of misunderstandings and tons of arguments. I just started to recognize that my love consistently falters. I was ignoring it for the longest time. I was somehow uncertain. I have blinded myself with all circumstances and that staying in the relationship is something that I need to do, something that I can never get away from no matter how damaging it is to me. No matter how hard I try to keep him, us, I know that somehow, we will part.

I have resisted to love myself. I have denied my own happiness and have fully accepted that circumstances has taken the best of me, but I keep on questioning myself, how long can I do this? How long can I keep up and hold on when loving him seems to be a struggle?

So many questions are still running through my head, all unanswered. I honestly don’t know what will happen next. I’ll probably cry a lot, pour my heart out with a few bottles of mule and go see the beach and hope that the calmness of the ocean will move me. Sometimes, it’s okay to mull over the pain with faith that in time, I’ll find my real self again, my normal self.


2 thoughts on “I honestly don’t know what will happen next

  1. I have consistently dealt with these feelings. It’s usually preceded by my feeling a type of pity for whoever I was dating at the time. I would feel this pity and then I would shake it off, or try to. I use the word “pity” for lack of a better word. I would usually feel this within the first year and I would hold on, I would try to keep it together for different reasons-time invested, kids, he seems like a good man, etc. After some time, it always ended. It was a helpless feeling, like no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop it from happening.
    The relationship I’m currently in has not caused that feeling that always led to an end. We’ve been together for almost two years and I haven’t experienced it. I don’t know what is different this time, but I have some suspicions. One is that I never have to explain to myself or others why I with him. Another is that I love who he already is, not who he could be, or his potential. Also, he makes me feel safe and he doesn’t NEED me.
    For all I (currently) know, these things could be unrelated. They could also be the reasons.
    You’ve given me something to think about, thank you.


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