These days, I wake up and go to bed knowing that it’s never going to be the same again. It still stings, you know, even if I was the one who ended it, I don’t think it’s gonna go away anytime soon. The past years seemed to look perfect but behind that are hundreds of misunderstandings and tons of arguments. I just started to recognize that my love consistently falters. I was ignoring it for the longest time. I was somehow uncertain. I have blinded myself with all circumstances and that staying in the relationship is something that I need to do, something that I can never get away from no matter how damaging it is to me. No matter how hard I try to keep him, us, I know that somehow, we will part.
I have resisted to love myself. I have denied my own happiness and have fully accepted that circumstances has taken the best of me, but I keep on questioning myself, how long can I do this? How long can I keep up and hold on when loving him seems to be a struggle?
So many questions are still running through my head, all unanswered. I honestly don’t know what will happen next. I’ll probably cry a lot, pour my heart out with a few bottles of mule and go see the beach and hope that the calmness of the ocean will move me. Sometimes, it’s okay to mull over the pain with faith that in time, I’ll find my real self again, my normal self.