As I mentioned in my recent post, I have read Landline by Rainbow Rowell. The story is about Georgie and Neal’s marriage. It’s kind of about weighing your priorities, like work and of course family. It came to a point when Georgie kind of thought if she has ruined her own family, her marriage. And then she discovers a way to communicate with Neal in the past. A fluke like that could either make or break their relationship. If I am also given the chance to talk to someone in the past, it would be the 17-year-old Jen (me). That’s what I’m gonna do now, but not through landline, only by writing. I am not going to write about the kind of 17-year-old that I picture myself to be. I will write to that same person I was 7-8 years ago, so this is goin to be really personal. Imma give myself a lesson. I’m not sure if this will turn out good but nevertheless, hello to the 17-year-old me.
PS. Get your tissues out. Chos!
Ahh. So, you’re now in sophomore year, studying in a well-known university. Among your two other siblings, you’re the only one who were able to study in a prestigious school while your brother had to be a working student during his time and your sister had to stop in school for a year or two because your dad was sick and they have to prioritize his needs first above anything else. Later on, days became better, at least for you. Your needs in school were basically supported and without a fail. You needed a good internet connection at home and a personal laptop but you don’t have any. You used to borrow your friend’s laptop, but your mom couldn’t take seeing you like that – borrowing others’ stuff, so she thought of buying you a 17-inch laptop. You’re such a lucky bunso. Your mom always think of her kids’ welfare. You basically could have whatever you want which was way different from your brother and sister during their school years. You’re not that spoiled, but life was kind of easy for you.
Seventeen. Curious with a lot of stuff. You wanted to try almost everything. You wanted to be adventurous, and by adventurous means to go against the rules of your mom. Whenever you ask your mom’s permission to go out with friends and you get a no from her, you’d still go, leaving her clueless. You tend to lie and say that you’re busy in school and you couldn’t go home early, but the truth is you’re out with friends or boyfriend. And hey, how many times your mom mentioned that you shouldn’t have any boyfriends until you’re done in college? Same rules were applied to your elder sister and she complied. Why didn’t you?
What happened, Jen? You all have the good stuff in life, but what happened? I know, you’re longing for attention, for love, for a visible presence of your parents. Yes. Maybe you had all these material stuff that you need, but it’s not what you really needed, right? You were thankful for such, that’s given, but you still felt like you’re missing something. But regardless, none of your reasons will ever be good enough to flout the rules of your mom. Look. Look at you now. You’re turning 18 and pregnant.
How was it going in school with a bun in the oven? ‘Twas hard isn’t it? Knowing that most people in school turn their heads as you walk past them. It’s not because of your good looks but because you’re pregnant. Ang hirap. Sobrang hirap. It was such a struggle for you, I know. I’m not gonna tell you to stop crying. Weep. Wail. Let it all out. Cry every single night to give you quite a relief. It’ll be over soon. Ginawa mo, eh. Face it. There’s no other way but to face all the consequences. You will learn from this. You will grow. You’ll mature. You will overcome this. Pray. It’s the only way to keep up in your situation because you can’t do it on your own. Just pray and trust the One above.
You broke your mom’s trust and the rest of the family. You hurt them for what you did, but take a moment to just look at your mom and see how much she tries to stand up beside you. You’re not alone. Your mom is with you now. She’s not gonna leave you. She’ll stay with you through all this even if you have failed her. You are blessed with a very understanding and loving mother. She may be really strict, which is something you cannot do anything about, but she loves you deeply. For all the things she did for you, appreciate her more. Love her more. You might have lost her trust, but it is what it is. Just prove to her that it’s worth accepting you, that the chance that she gave to you will be worth it. Prove it.
There will be a lot of people who will be looking at you, staking out on you. Others may have thought that this is already your downfall. NO. Prove them wrong! You must show beyond doubt that you can get up on your feet and stand proud. Make this your reason to be the evince of God’s grace. Know that your journey from this day forward will never be easy. There will be a lot of difficulties and pitfalls along the way but you can get through all that. You’ll see. Make your kid your joy and strength. Mind that it is not about you anymore. It’s not just about you. Put yourself next to the needs of your kid. You don’t know much about being a mom until you’re in it. You’ll figure everything out day by day. Try your hardest all the time. Everything’s going to be tough for you. Find strength in the Lord. All good things can be found under the realm of God, so stay put. He got this. He got you.
In 8-10 years, you’re going to look back on the last 10 years and realize how much has changed and you’ll be grateful because God has always been with you. You’ll probably be in quite a shock because you have surpassed all of it. But, see, all is well.
24 year old you.