This is probably the first time that I’m gonna share something that is really personal. I just couldn’t help not to write and put this in public because this is how I feel at the moment, this is what I want you to know. (Feel free to comment if you have any reactions or if you feel like I deserve to hear something rude. Do it.)
I am a teenage mom. I was 18 when I became a mother and it wasn’t easy. Five years later, it still isn’t easy. It is my personal decision not to get married because I was not yet ready at that time to really commit my lifetime into something that I am not assured of – not that I doubt my feelings with the guy but there are just a lot of things to consider before settling down aside from how much the other person loves me. That was something I didn’t regret, not getting married in spite of that situation.
We are still together, but we’re not living in a same roof though. I didn’t consider living in with him because I fear that he wouldn’t think of marrying me because we’re literally living together already. The wedding would probably not his priority anymore. And again, I do not regret choosing to live with my parents until the right time comes for us to wed. But, along the way, there were times that I feel different, think different. And at some point, I have lost hope in my relationship and instead of working things out, I’d just feel like not to give a hang about it, that if we’re not really meant together then I’ll just let it slip and not bother.
I’ll be honest. There were times that I still get attracted with other guys but I do not let myself get stuck in that situation wherein I had to choose between two guys. No. That has not happened to me yet and I hope not. Maybe, I was just too young when I committed and locked myself in a serious relationship. I didn’t get to enjoy things during my teen years and early 20s (though, I am still on my early 20s).
I should’ve waited. I should’ve thought of a lot things before this happened. I should’ve… The list just goes on and on and on.
We had our highs and lows in our relationship. We have. In 8 years, I always make an effort to make it work and just be understanding in all times. I was more of a giver than a receiver. I’m not saying that I am a perfect girlfriend though, but you know… we have our moments when sometimes we want our significant other to baby us, to spoil us. I didn’t mind at first to be the most giving. I didn’t mind not getting/having things that I think that I deserve (not literally pertaining on material stuff coz I’m really not that kinda girl). But, I am in the season of wanting. I don’t know if I feel right, but I believe that if you love a person, that person does not need to demand and ask of your time and effort because that should be given freely without the need to remind you that “Hey, you have a girlfriend. You might wanna be a good boyfriend to her.”
I guess I can say that I have matured, but there were a lot of things that I regret. Above all things, I always consider what is best for my kid and what is beneficial for her. I put her happiness on top of mine and would not and never be selfish to give her that perfect bliss. Now that I have a little girl, as much as possible and as much as I can, I don’t want her to grow up in a broken family. But, if you’re gonna ask me, what if a new guy comes who is greater in so many ways compared to the current guy that I am with? Honestly, that is the toughest question that I still couldn’t wholeheartedly answer. Not that I doubt my feelings, I love him. But, there are things that are hard to say. I believe that we don’t know what the future will bring us and that nothing is certain in this world, but I just hope and pray that whatever God’s will is for me and for us would be done in His perfect time. All the certainty in life can only be found in the realm of God and if I am not living under His presence, I’d probably wouldn’t get the best in life.
Maybe we’ll live happily ever after, maybe not. Maybe we’re meant to be together, or maybe we are meant for someone else. I don’t know. I don’t want to let my feelings decide. The Lord has the final say.